Wednesday, January 03, 2007

 

"The guy gives new meaning to the word hemorrhoid"

At the Peach Pit (which still doesn't look as peachy as it does in later episodes), Brandon is busing the counter while sneaking glances at a large textbook. We soon learn that the textbook is for his history class, taught by none other than the crotchety Mr. Denzel, a Peach Pit regular. When Brandon reveals this not-so-amazing coincidence to Nat, Nat advises Brandon not to let Denzel get to him. Brandon says Denzel doesn't bother him. Nat smirks like he's seen the rest of this episode.

West Bev High. Brandon's in Denzel's class, holding a quiz with a big fat C on it. Denzel lays down the law: He grades on a curve wherein 10 percent of the students get As, 10 percent get Fs, and the rest get Cs. Seems pretty harsh, but I had a high-school English teacher who graded on how much you kissed her ass. Seriously. Life's not fair; might as well learn that in high school. Right, Brandon? Um, no. Brandon raises his hand and meekly says that some people who got Cs only missed three or four questions. "Some people," Brandon? You mean like you? Denzel says something about "the morass of mediocrity." I like him already!

Out in the hall, Steve and Brandon are complaining about Denzel and his morass. Steve claims he "gives new meaning to the word hemorrhoid." I don't know what that means, and I'm fairly sure I don't want to. Oh, but what's this? Steve got an A on his quiz! Donna expositions that Steve is some sort of idiot savant when it comes to history, but I ain't buyin' it. Ahhndrea comes out of class then, and she and Brandon exchange their usual barbs, this time about whether he can cover the swim team meet against Beverly. Oh, woe are we, the pressures of West Beverly High, blah, blah, blah, etc. Kelly and Brenda walk down the stairs and immediately hone in on Dylan. Did someone order a love triangle? Kelly turns on the charm, getting Dylan to admit that he prefers blondes, and yet he can't take his eyes off of Brenda. Somehow, the latter fact makes her exploits in the rest of the episode that much more stupid.

Back at home, Brenda's staring at herself in the mirror, imagining that she has some insanely ugly crimped, frizzy blonde hair that's driving Dylan and his Carhart jacket wild with lust. Cindy walks up and tries to tell Brenda how beautiful she is. Why Cindy ever thinks she can say anything to Brenda that won't result in an immediate argument that ends with Brenda stomping off in a huff is beyond me. Up in Brandon's room, Brandon and Ahhndrea are studying. Or rather, Ahhndrea is regarding his Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar with disgust while Brandon uses the bathroom. That's probably a better use of their time, because once they actually start studying, it devolves into a big argument. Why Brandon and Ahhndrea ever think they can have a conversation lasting more than five minutes that doesn't turn into an argument that ends with both of them stomping off in a huff is also beyond me.

So Brandon gets a new, more laid-back study buddy: Steve. The guys are chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool in Steve's backyard pool when Steve drops this study-question science on Brandon: Name the five tribes that made up the Confederacy, whose primary aim was universal, perpetual peace. Like, are we really supposed to believe that Steve just pulled that one out of his ass? Well, apparently Brandon does, and therefore he is shocked--SHOCKED!--to find that same question, verbatim, on the next day's quiz. In other news, Mr. Denzel doesn't know how to use commas correctly. Not so smart now, are we, tough guy?

After the quiz, Brandon confronts Steve in the hall and accuses him of cheating. He denies it vehemently, but back at the Sanders pad, he totally cops to it. And seriously, Brandon, if you want to get someone to admit to something, try not accusing them at the scene of the crime. Anyway, Steve assumes his usual role as the devil on Brandon's shoulder and convinces him it's "just a quiz."

In the West Bev High bathroom the next day, Brenda is sporting hideous crimped hair, I guess in an attempt to recreate the fugly wig of her fantasies. Kelly speaks for all of us when she tells Brenda that "that isn't a hairdo; it's a hair don't." Kelly and Donna talk up some stylists, but then reveal that a visit, even with a guy who "will take anyone" will cost Brenda a cool $300. I'm so sure Cindy's going to go for that. Suddenly, Donna looks in the mirror and realizes she's wearing both contacts in one eye. It took her that long to figure it out?

Later at the Peach Pit, Brandon's trying to avoid Denzel. But there's no need--now that Brandon's doing well in his class, Denzel is super-chatty. And the next day in class, he leads the room in a round of applause for Brandon, who didn't miss a single question on his quiz. Dude, what an amateur cheater. You've got to miss at least one, or else it looks suspicious. I like to think that Denzel is hip to Brandon's game and is doing this to give him a guilt complex. If he is, it totally works, and it's compounded by the fact that Brandon's cheating landed Ahhndrea a C. Before she can start bawling about it, though, Kelly and Dylan come giggling down the stairs as Brenda looks on jealously.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brenda's giving Cindy a guilt complex of her own about the hair thing. Cindy balks at the price, then claims that women are spending hundreds of dollars to get their hair to look like Brenda's does naturally. And seriously, Shannen Doherty may not have the most attractive face (especially in this season, when she hasn't grown out of her baby fat and it sort of resembles a pancake), but her hair color? Is gorgeous. Anyway, Brandon comes in, and everyone finds out about his A on the history quiz. Because he tells them. I guess that's kind of akin a serial killer having a "signature" or something, right? Otherwise it just seems like a stupid way to heap more guilt upon yourself. Brenda follows Brandon upstairs, ostensibly to chat about Denzel (which she pronounces DAN-zel), but really to ask leading questions about Dylan and complain some more about her hair. Like that's not getting old already.

At the Peach Pit picking up his paycheck, Brandon runs into Denzel again. Apparently his guilt has gotten the best of him, because he decides that this would be the perfect time to lay into his teacher about how unfair the curve is and how history should be more than the rote memorization of facts. Which I agree with to some point, but come on, this is high school. How much can you really expect? This is basically what Denzel argues in return.

The next day during the quiz, Brandon stares at Denzel (whose nameplate reveals that his name really is Danzel, like why is Brenda the only one who can pronounce it correctly? Whatever, I'm sticking with Denzel) for a while before oh-so-stealthily pulling some crib notes out of his backpack. How Denzel fails to notice this is beyond me, but Ahhndrea does see it, and she's none too happy about it. On the walk to the newspaper room, they argue about Brandon's cheating, which he doesn't bother to deny, although they're yelling very loudly in a crowded hallway. Dude. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you could learn something from Steve, Brandon.

Back at Casa Walsh, Kelly and Brenda dye Brenda's hair with something that looks like liquid rust. Kelly claims the dye has to stay on all night. Oh, this isn't going to be good.

And it's not! The dye has not only colored Brenda's hair an unfortunate shade of orange, with some skunk-like blond streaks up front, but it's also turned it into a huge ball of frizz. Brandon tries to get the family to lie to Brenda about the severity of her mistake, but unlike her brother, Brenda is not stupid, and she ain't buyin' it. Thank God Blossom hats are still in fashion, and Brenda can cover up most of the mess with a floppy burnt-sienna one that's approximately the same color as her hair.

In the West Bev courtyard, after exchanging some words with Dylan about how much Dylan learned in Denzel's class (though he doesn't elaborate on what he learned and how), Brandon runs into Steve, who offers him a copy of the midterm. Brandon turns it down, and Steve walks away, shoving the test loosely in his back pocket, where I'm sure it won't fall out or get nabbed by someone or anything. Brandon's sudden change of conscience isn't getting him anywhere with Ahhndrea, though, who is still ignoring/yelling at him.

Things only get worse for our hero in Denzel's class, where the man himself is picking on Brandon. Brandon looks uncomfortable, but what exactly did he expect when he decided to yell at his teacher at his place of employment? Ahhndrea comes to Brandon's rescue, but she does it in this goody-two-shoes, holier-than-thou way that's beyond annoying. And she wonders why she doesn't have any friends. Nobody likes the teacher's pet!

Back at the Walsh abode, Cindy tries to start in with the I-told-you-so's, but Brenda's having none of it. "Mom, you don't understand me," "It's different in California," "I don't fit in": you know the drill.

Later that night, Steve shows up at the Peach Pit and again offers Brandon the test. This time, angry that Denzel tried to do exactly what Brandon told him he wanted him to do (i.e., make him think), Brandon takes the test. But after hours, he comes across Denzel, who's sitting in the parking lot, waiting for the Auto Club to come change his flat tire. Brandon offers to do it for him, and as he does, Denzel tells us all a sob story about how his dead wife picked out a bunch of suits for him because she knows how much he hates shopping. It's all very sweet and sad. Brandon looks appropriately chagrined, then guilty as hell as he drops his copy of the midterm and Denzel hands it back to him. Knock knock! Who's there? It's Brandon's conscience!

At the library, Brandon finds Ahhndrea, and the two have yet another fight about his cheating. Brandon says that Ahhndrea takes such a personal interest in everything he does that sometimes it's like they're a couple. Ahhndrea could not be quicker in rushing to deny this. Hmm, methinks the lady doth protest too much. Anyway, although they are practically screaming at each other in the library, no one appears to shush them. What kind of library is this, anyway?

Brenda's leaving the house to go for a jog, and Cindy somehow convinces her she doesn't need a hat. Not even to hold her hair back? Anyway, while she's jogging, Dylan rides up on his bike and notes that her hair is "different." If by "different," he means "different than anything ever seen before on a human head," he is absolutely correct. When Brenda reveals that she hates the color, Dylan says he knows a guy. Then, for no discernible reason, Brenda Freudian slips, "I like your butt." She clarifies that she meant his bike. "Hop on," Dylan responds. Dirty! Oh, wait, he meant the bike, too.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brandon confronts Jim and Cindy about their academic expectations for him. Jim says that all he wants is for Brandon to smile again. And for him to get an A. Well, he doesn't say that last part, but come on. Does Brandon really think his parents expect any less of him? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him here? What parent wants their kid to aspire to, as Denzel put it, "the morass of mediocrity"? Upstairs, Brenda's hair has returned to its normal color, thank God. She glows to Brandon that "Dylan says it looks incandescent." Um, so he thinks it resembles a lightbulb? Nice compliment, McKay.

In the halls of West Bev the next day, Brandon and Ahhndrea finally make up, moments before the midterm. Speaking of the midterm, Denzel passes out the test, then instructs the class to rip it up. So one conversation with Brandon, and the guy's suddenly Rod Belding? Oh, apparently not. He's giving them a pretty challenging essay question on what the government should have done to save American Indians. Yay, essay test! I love essay tests. They're so easy to bullshit.

Brandon's the last one to finish his test, and he complements Mr. Denzel on his new teaching strategy. Given to him by Brandon. Someone's a little full of himself, huh? Denzel gets a few jabs in at Brandon's expense, letting him and the rest of us know that he knows that Brandon is (or was) a big, fat cheater. Brandon responds by complimenting Denzel on his suit. Denzel says it's hideous. "Yeah," Brandon agrees, "but you wear it well." Get a room, you two!

The verdict:
Now we all know why Brandon's generally such a sanctimonious prick: He's completely inept at being a bad boy. What we don't know is why Cindy continues to try to talk sense into her utterly senseless daughter. Come on, Cindy! Why not just let Brenda make her frizzy, burnt-sienna bed and lie in it for once?

Fashion citation:
Donna, for showing up to her history midterm in an oh-so-appropriate ruffled denim midriff top.

posted by Anonymous 12:32 PM