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Saturday, March 10, 2007

 
"Dylan, she's a virgin!"

Brenda stalks across the Walsh yard, carrying a plastic bag and wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and runs into a tank-topped Brandon working on Mondale in the driveway. Wait...shouldn't it be like November in show time by now? Oh, right, we're in Los Angeles. Brandon comments on the unseasonably warm weather before asking Bren about her plans for the evening. Apparently she's baby-sitting, and after she puts the tots to bed, she's planning on watching Dirty Dancing for the 57,000th time. (The bag contains her video rental, like if she loves the movie that much, wouldn't it make more sense to buy it?) Anyway, Brenda waxes poetic about how Patrick Swayze is a single girl's best friend (or at least he was in the early '90s) until Dylan slides out from under the car, all dirty. I mean that literally and figuratively, as he immediately gives Brenda a slow once-over. They banter a little while before Cindy calls Brenda to the phone, telling her that her baby-sitting job has been cancelled. Hearing the news, Brenda somewhat inexplicably moans, "I have to call Kelly."

Ah, I see, it's so she can accept a blind date with Kelly's dweeby cousin. Because I know the first thing I would do after Dylan McKay was so obviously hitting on me is accept a blind date with a reported dweeb. Fortunately for Brenda's stupid ass, Donna has already claimed the dweeby cousin for herself. Kelly asks what Brenda plans on doing instead, suggesting that she may need a bubble bath. Brenda saunters out to her balcony (funny how this house only has balconies when it's essential to the plot, isn't it?), takes in a lusty eyeful of McKay, and tells Kelly, "That's not all I need." Oh, Patrick Swayze, we hardly knew ye.

It seems Brenda's not the only member of the Walsh family interested in spying on Dylan. Jim comes out to the driveway and immediately begins peppering Dylan with questions about where he learned to work on cars and how he managed to afford his Porsche. Dylan deflects them all like a pro, then asks if he can run upstairs to take a shower.

Cut to Brenda storming into her bedroom, yelling at Brandon to shut the bathroom door. Naturally, it's Dylan who pops out from behind the shower curtain, giving Brenda a nice view of his wet, naked body and also possibly (or at least it seems from this vantage point) Little Dylan. Embarrassed (yet not so embarrassed that I'm led to believe she actually did see Little Dylan), Brenda retreats to her room, but continues to have a conversation with the now-towel-clad-but-somehow-still-sopping-wet Dylan about her plans for the evening. He invites her to a Marx Brothers movie with him and Brandon.

At the movie, Dylan runs into some bimbette he knows whose name he can't remember, which he claims is because she keeps changing it to things like "Gertrude" and "Beatrice." Likely story, McKay. Girls with hair teased that high do not go by "Gertrude." Later at Dylan's pad, the threesome is rocking out to some really loud music. There's a knock on the door, and this seems like the prime opportunity for Papa McKay to arrive home and totally bust on Dylan (although why he would knock on his own door is beyond me), but rather it's just room service from the hotel. Only apparently Dylan and his dad don't live at the hotel any more, Dylan just gets one of the employees to hook him up. Wait, so they're not at the hotel anymore? But the establishing shot looked like it was of a hotel. Are they living in a different hotel? Why do I even care?

The next day, Kelly and Brenda are discussing Brenda's non-date date in the hallway before segueing into a mention of the sex-education class Brenda happens to be taking with none other than Steve Sanders. What could be better than that? Oh, did I mention David and Scott are also in the class? David assures Scott that sex-ed class is a total aphrodisiac for women. Yeah, I know in 8th grade when they made us watch that video of a woman giving birth, it really turned me on. Or made me never, ever want to have sex and adopt all of my children. It's hard to remember. Anyway, Steve is obsessed with the way their teacher touches his beard when he talks about sex, but because this fails to have any payoff later in the episode, it's the last time I'll mention it.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brandon conveniently has a cold, leaving Brenda to go out with Dylan alone. Hmm, I suspect foul play here. Anyway, when Jim finds out what's going on, he blows a gasket, saying that Dylan's father is known as an "unethical bastard" in "financial circles." Ooh, that Dylan must surely be a bad boy, then! I hope Brenda doesn't get caught up in any insider trading!

In line for the movies, Brenda and Dylan are Annie Hall-ing it up. Their flirty conversation is pretty lame, so let's just cut to the chase: Dylan has a lot of experience in relationships. Brenda doesn't. Gee, you think this will come up later in the episode? After the movie, Dylan takes Brenda back to his place, where he finds his father (or someone pretending to be his father, because that sure ain't the Jack McKay I know and love/hate) in the midst of a business meeting. FakeJack pulls Dylan aside, living Brenda to stand there awkwardly with the suits, and the two have a screaming match in which the phrase "vital importance" is bandied about. I know we're supposed to believe this is a huge blowup, but in my book, if you're using phrases like "vital importance," you're not that angry. Anyway, Dylan comes storming downstairs and goes straight for the Scotch. Brenda gives him the what-for, telling her that he's her ride home, so Dylan storms out of the room instead.

And now, it's the scene we all know by heart. Brenda follows Dylan out of the hotel, trying to calm him down. He screams at her. She screams at him. Dylan throws a potted plant on the ground. Brenda runs away, and he chases her. It is about now that I'm expecting the dulcet tones of Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over" to kick in, for this is the scene that I credit for making me fall in love with that song. In fact, I can practically hear the "Bum-ba-dum-bum, bum-ba-dum-bum" echoing in my head, yet on the screen...nothing. I am so bewildered by this that I can barely watch the rest of the scene (fortunately, you know the drill: they cry, they hug, Dylan confides in her about his daddy issues, they kiss). After much Internet research (seriously, I spent way too much time obsessing over this), I have come to the conclusion that this song must have been used once in a clip segment about Brenda and Dylan, with this scene leading it off. But we'll never know for sure.

Anyway. Post-kiss, Brenda and Dylan are sitting outside her house in his car, talking some more about his dad. Brenda says she couldn't imagine having such an estranged relationship with her parents, that she tells them everything. Everything? Like about her plans to go skydiving? Or that older guy she was dating? Yeah, Brenda tells her parents nothing.

The next day at school, Brandon is walking with Dylan when they run into Brenda. Dylan and Brenda immediately begin acting all couple-y, which in their case means being really impudent and sarcastic. Although it's really beyond annoying, I have to say, impudent and sarcastic looks good on Shannen Doherty--she's completely radiant. Hmm, that explains a lot.

Later that night at Casa Walsh, Cindy is talking about some couple she knows who went to a spa and "ended up totally potatoed." "Potatoed?" Jim repeats disbelievingly. "As in baked, mashed, fried..." Yeah, I'm with him on this one, only I would've added "julienned," because I firmly believe that any time you have the opportunity to use the word "julienned," you should. Anyway, Cindy claims that "potatoed" is a synonym for "relaxed," although how she or anyone else could have arrived at that conclusion, I have no idea. But we have no time to dwell on it, because Brenda has brought her newfound rudeness home, and she saucily informs Jim that she will be going out with Dylan that weekend. Predictably, Jim takes issue with this, and when Brandon fails to help her argue her side, Brenda storms out of the dining room, closely followed by Cindy, who tells her husband that she likes Dylan. Has she ever even talked to Dylan? Anyway, sensing that he's fighting a losing battle, Jim pretty much threatens Brandon into the Keep Brenda Away From Dylan movement, which seems really unfair to me. In fact, it seems kind of like something that...oh, an unethical bastard would do.

Upstairs, Cindy and Brenda have a heart-to-heart about sex. It's a lot more boring than it sounds (the words "meaningful connection" are used so much I began to wonder if I was watching an episode of The Bachelor), so I'll spare you the details. On her way out to meet Kelly, Brenda pauses to bitch at Brandon for not sticking up for Dylan. I'm still not sure how Brandon got dragged into the middle of all of this. I mean, usually he'd put himself there, but he actually didn't this time. Anyway, over at Kelly's, Kelly's is giving Brenda the lowdown. By which I mean she's giving her condoms. Brenda seems pretty uncomfortable talking about safe sex, which, if I remember correctly from all the teen magazines I read as an adolescent, is the first sign that you're not actually ready to have sex.

The next day, after witnessing Brenda and Dylan rolling around on the school lawn at lunch, Brandon decides it's time to go do Jim's dirty work. He starts yelling at Dylan about how he has to be nice to Brenda because she's sweet and romantic and, oh yeah, a virgin. Brandon says "virgin" like it's some kind of rare tropical disease. Anyway, Dylan responds to this barrage with, "What kind of jerk do you think I am?" Um, the kind who breaks flower pots and forgets the name of random bimbettes? Or maybe the kind who stands someone up on the second date? Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So after some weird speedy scene of Kelly and Donna trying a bunch of different outfits on Brenda, we see her waiting...and waiting...and waiting in front of the movie theater. In fact, the movie seems to have let out by the time Brenda figures out that Dylan's not going to show. I know she's new at all this relationship stuff, but it really shouldn't have taken her two hours to get the picture. And did it ever occur to her that maybe Dylan was just tired of the freaking Marx Brothers film festival? I mean, this would have been their third night in a row to go. Is there nothing else to do on a date in L.A.?

The next day, Brenda is sitting in her room, forlornly staring out the window. And what do you know? Her balcony is suddenly mysteriously absent! Anyway, Brandon comes in, and Brenda tearfully recounts the sorry tale to him, letting it slip that she was planning to "spend the night" with Dylan. Apparently Brandon doesn't relish hearing about his sister's sex life as much as he does his parents', and looks a little uncomfortable about this. Brenda says she's determined to find out why Dylan's blowing her off.

Which apparently means she's also going to send Brandon to do her dirty work, because she's staying home from school (pathetic!), and Brandon and his suede vest are confronting Dylan in the computer lab. The two get into a yelling match in the tiny room, and apparently everyone else in there is deaf because they appear not to notice. Then again, Brandon is routinely yelling in libraries with seemingly no consequence, so maybe his voice is at a pitch that only full-time cast members can hear. Anyway, Brandon accuses Dylan of blowing off Brenda just to spite him. Um, self-centered much? Dylan assures Mr. Modesty that this has nothing to do with either him or Brenda, settling for the vague "Something came up" excuse. Unsurprisingly, this does not placate Brandon.

Outside in the parking lot, the sex-ed teacher appears to be having car trouble...coincidentally, just before he's supposed to pick up their assembly speaker (who, according to Steve, is a "sex expert") at the airport. Unsurprisingly, Steve volunteers for the job. And for some reason, he decides it would be a good idea to pose as his teacher, although won't the speaker be meeting his teacher at the assembly tomorrow anyway, thereby blowing Steve's ruse? I guess it doesn't matter, since his efforts to put the moves on her are wildly unsuccessful anyway.

Over at Casa Walsh, Brenda is in the midst of the pity party that necessitated a day off from school when Dylan stops by. He says he feels terrible. Brenda responds that he looks terrible. Actually, considering some of the fashion disasters that Dylan has donned this season, I think the white T-shirt/cargo pants/leather jacket ensemble that he's working now is actually pretty hot. Anyway, Brenda proceeds to rip him a new one for his behavior, and instead of turning and running out the door as fast as he possibly can in the face of her no-holds-barred bitchery, Dylan comes clean: His father is being indicted for securities fraud, and Dylan had to spend Friday night helping him flee the country. Sounds like a pretty good excuse to me. Brenda must think so, too, as they commence making out on the couch.

Dylan's already made it to first base and is eyeing second when we hear the crunch of tires on the driveway. Ruh-roh! Brenda and Dylan try to sneak out the back, but unfortunately, that's the door Jim has chosen to use, too. Dylan wisely beats a hasty retreat, leaving Brenda to bear the brunt of her father's wrath. Jim just happens to have some supplemental materials with him to prove his argument--a folded-up newspaper that contains news of Dylan's father's exploits. Brenda tries to reiterate that Dylan is not his father, but Jim insists that she deserves a person with better values. By which I guess he means a person who has the good sense not to have a criminal for a father? Brenda takes this to mean a guy who won't try to have sex with her, and she spells it out for Jim: All boys her age are going to want to try to have sex with her. Seriously, yo. Jim acts like he's never been a high-school boy before, or that he doesn't have another kid who actually is one. On that note, Brenda calls him on his double standard of not treating Brandon this way when he started having sex. Jim says it's different for girls. Which I guess it is, because of the whole pregnancy thing, but come on. Are you telling me if Brandon got a girl pregnant, Jim would just let him walk away? What kind of values are those?

The next day at school, it's time for the big assembly. And, as I predicted, when the speaker meets the real sex-ed teacher, the jig is up for Steve. He looks shocked and embarrassed, but surely he could have seen that one coming. Speaking of things we all saw coming, the speaker is not there to give the kids sex tips, but to tell them that she has AIDS. The gang looks appropriately sobered, particularly Steve. The speaker talks for about five minutes, most of which consist of her telling them to practice safe sex so they don't get AIDS, too. I wonder how much she got paid for this. Seems like a pretty sweet gig. Other than the having AIDS part, I mean.

Dylan comes to the Walsh house to pick Brenda up, and finally seems to make some headway in convincing Jim that he and his father are not the same person. So it's too bad for Dylan that, now that's he's managed to win over both Brenda and her father, the AIDS lady has convinced Brenda that she's not ready for sex (which I could have told her about 15 minutes into this episode, but whatever). She tells Dylan that they need to slow down. She's scared of these feelings. She's scared of what she saw, of what she did, who she is. But most of all, she's scared of walking out of this room and never feeling again the way she feels when she's with him. What? Brenda's not the only one who's seen Dirty Dancing 57,000 times.

The verdict
Despite the Crowded House disillusion, this episode is still probably one of my all-time favorites. The scene where Dylan takes out his frustration on a harmless flower pot is without a doubt one of the most classic 90210 scenes of all time. However...

Fashion citation
...that doesn't excuse the fact that in it, Dylan is wearing a black acid-washed duster jacket over his coral-colored shirt. Not even Crowded House could help me get past that atrocity.






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