Saturday, January 20, 2007

 

"A nooner, Brenda! It ain't food!"

Upstairs at Casa Walsh, Cindy is veeeeery slowly removing her wedding bands...to remind us that she's married? Give us a little foreshadowing for the rest of the episode? Anyway, she and Jim are discussing the anniversary dinner they just had at some chi chi Beverly Hills restaurant. Cindy says it's their first anniversary away from home, and Jim points out that this is their home now, like seriously Cindy, isn't it about time to jump on the Beverly Hills bandwagon? Anyway, Jim's catching up on some work, but since it's his anniversary and all, he's willing to put it aside for a quick romp in the sack. However, Cindy kills the mood with the four words all guys love to hear: "Can't we talk first?" Considering that she was asking Jim about the ties she gave him before he tried to put the moves on her, are we supposed to assume that Cindy has some sort of neckwear fetish? Kinky! Fortunately, we're spared a glimpse into this little-known side of the Walsh relationship when Jim decides he'd rather work than indulge his wife in anything silly like foreplay. (Assuming you consider talking about ties foreplay, that is, which apparently Cindy does.)

The next morning, Brenda displays an uncanny ability to pay attention to the lives of people who aren't her when she comments to Brandon on the tension between Jim and Cindy. Brandon blows it off, saying, "They're married! They're supposed to be crabby." Well, that's a ringing endorsement of marriage right there, isn't it?

At West Bev, we learn that the nameless, [mostly] faceless DJ is resigning his post, midway into the semester. Ignoring the fact that this makes absolutely no sense, David, egged on by Scott, dreams about giving it a shot, but quickly abandons his vision when he finds out his idol, Steve Sanders, is trying out. Elsewhere, a teacher we've never met (or maybe she's the newspaper adviser; I don't know) is trying to talk Brenda and Brandon into doing a university study on twins. Brandon's initially skeptical, but once he finds out there's money and time off from school involved, he signs up faster than you can say Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

At a garden center with Ana, Cindy is being stalked by the paparazzi. Oh, wait, it's just an old college friend, Glenn. Cindy gives him a warm welcome, then introduces Ana as her "assistant." Really? Anyway, Glen's a hotshot photographer, he lives in L.A. now, yada, yada, yada. Cindy invites him to dinner...

...Where he is wowing the fam with stories about Tiananmen Square. He modestly (which is to say, not so modestly and actually kind of pompously) tries to bow out of telling any more tales, but Cindy eggs him on, saying, "We never get to hear stories like this...especially not from my boring, stick-in-the-mud accountant husband." OK, so she actually doesn't say that last part, but it's implied. As Glenn begins to talk about his days on the college literary rag with the stick in the mud himself, Jim runs off to do more of his boring accounting work, leaving his wife to stay up until the wee hours, chatting in front of the fire with a more-attractive (not that that's saying much) photographer whom, by the way, she used to date. Great idea, Jim. As he watches suspiciously from the staircase, Cindy and Glenn sit very close to each other on the couch, where he promises to "show [her] [his] L.A." Dirty!

Oh, apparently he meant that literally. And apparently Glenn's L.A. consists of a person jumping on a trampoline, a few run-down stores, and a bunch of ugly murals on the sides of buildings. Cindy seems enamored by it, though. Back at his studio, Glenn goes in for the hard sell. He comments that Jim and Cindy are like night and day. Cindy shrugs this off with a, "You know what they say about opposites." "We attract," Glenn responds with a Meaningful Look. OK, so I'm confused. Didn't he just try to discredit Jim and Cindy's relationship by saying they're not enough alike? And now, in the same breath, he's trying to pick her up using the exact same tack? Is he working some Jedi mind shit here, or what?

Meanwhile, at the twin study, Brenda and Brandon are sitting in a room with a set of goofball identical twins who are dressed exactly alike. Even though they're presumably in high school. And seriously, is this the entire study? Two sets of twins? I'm no scientist, but I'm guessing you're not going to be able to draw any reliable conclusions from a study of four people. Also, it's worth noting that the moderator of the study is none other than Mrs. Teasley, West Beverly High's future guidance counselor. Only she's masquerading under the name "Harriet Strathmore." And she's apparently calling her study "Noah's Ark of Scientific Sin." Yeah, this is totally legit.

Later that night at Casa Walsh, Cindy heads to bed wearing an ugly nightgown, a red headband, and a green face mask. And she wonders why Jim never wants to have sex with her! Oh, but wait, he does...right after she tells him, "You sound just like my father." Unsurprisingly (or maybe surprisingly, given her secret necktie fetish), Cindy does not consider a resemblance to her father to be a turn-on, so she shuts Jim down and goes to sleep. With her face mask on. That doesn't seem like a good idea. I mean, we saw what happened the last time someone in this house tried an all-night beauty treatment.

The next day, David has apparently resurrected his dream of becoming the school DJ, and he tries out this smooth rhyme on Scott in the hall: "Yo, West Beverly, my name is Dave/And I'm gonna give you all the songs that you crave/And all the babes are gonna be my slave/And all from a guy who don't even shave, word." This succeeds in getting things, mostly wadded-up paper, thrown at him from passers-by. Too bad they didn't have any ripe fruit available. Elsewhere in the halls, Brenda invites Kelly to tag along to Glenn's opening, presumably so she can have more people there to spy on her mother with her.

Back at home, Brenda begins her suspicious circling of Cindy, who is trying to decide between two outfits that are pretty much equal in their hideousness. I would advise that she go out and get something from wherever Brenda picked up her cute black dress, but I fear she somehow purchased it from the future, because it's way too tasteful for this early in the '90s. Kelly and Donna help bring us back into the correct time period at the opening, though, Donna wearing what appears to be a sequined bra over a sheer black top, and Kelly looking like she's been caught in a rogue fishing net cast by Liberace. Brandon and the girls briefly discuss the art before Brenda brings things around to the real purpose of the night: spying on Cindy. When Brenda spots her leave with Glenn, she's none too happy about it.

Nor should she be, because they're totally making out outside! All right, so Glenn starts it, but Cindy doesn't do much to resist. Apparently Brenda's spying is confined to the four walls of the art gallery, though, because she's totally missing this, the one tangible piece of evidence in the entire episode to suggest that her mother's considering a dalliance with another man.

Back at home, Cindy's making like Juliet on her balcony, moodily listening to some bland '90s pop that's echoing throughout the house. Which Brenda is using as Exhibit A of her mom's weird behavior as she rehashes the events of the night with the besequined catch of the day, aka Kelly. Gee, too bad Bren was too lazy to walk outside and therefore missed her mom actually kissing another man. Anyway, Kelly gives her the low-down on what it's like to be a divorced kid, after which she warns Brenda that the sex is the first thing to go. Brenda says she doubts her parents even have sex. Cindy overhears this and looks sad, but come on. Don't all parents realize that their kids have to at least maintain that illusion? It's a survival thing.

And yet, Brandon has somehow escaped unscathed from the evil clutches of Darwinism, because he apparently thinks about his parents' sex life all the time. After their bickering comes to a head in front of Mrs. Teas--um, "Professor Strathmore" at the twins study, Brandon informs Brenda as they stomp across campus that of course their parents do the nasty. "What do you think it means when their door is locked?" he asks. Um, in what instance would Brenda and Brandon be trying to gain access to the Walsh parents' bedroom at night? (Because you know Jim's a no-sex-except-at-night kind of guy.) Are they afraid of thunderstorms? Are there monsters under their beds?

Anyway, after a brainstorming session at school with Kelly and Donna (during which the suggestions of trashy lingerie and clubbing are tossed around) Brandon and Brenda come up with the solution to fix their parents' marriage with a romantic dinner, cooked by them. Hey, it worked in The Parent Trap! Only this time, Jim and Cindy get in a big fight before dinner is even served and both storm out, leaving Brenda and Brandon stranded, bowls of food in hand, at their eavesdropping posts just outside the dining-room door.

Jim's gone upstairs to do more work (surprise!), and Cindy's left to go to Glenn's (surprise again!). Only she's not there to have an affair; she's there to tell him, with a great deal of blubbering, that she can't have an affair. Too bad Brenda and Brandon don't realize this when they see her exiting his house, where they have arrived to do a photo shoot with Glenn. Ruh-roh!

The next morning, the twins deal with their newfound (assumed) knowledge in a very mature way, by being overly friendly to Jim and overly mean to Cindy. I mean, I guess it's not their place to bring the supposed affair to light, but couldn't they have pulled their mom aside and told her what they saw and asked her what was going on? God, even Donna handled her mom's affair better than this. That's pretty pathetic.

You know what's not pathetic? Jim, going over to Glenn's studio and telling him in no uncertain terms to stay the eff away from his family. Go, Jim! Who knew he had it in him? Hmm, maybe he's not just a sex-at-night kind of guy...but best not to think too much about that.

Back to an instance in which we can use "pathetic" and "Donna" in the same sentence, she's apparently trying out for the school DJ job and is horrifying everyone with her totally lame rap, like since when is rapping a component of a DJ job? I just assumed David was doing it because it's his schtick, but apparently it's required? I know this was the Vanilla Ice era and all, but that's wack, man. Anyway, Steve is up next, and he totally chokes, so David comes to his rescue, first by making fun of him, and then by busting out a rap that's only slightly less lame than the one that got him pelted with balls of paper the other day. (Although this one does name-check Vanilla Ice, so it might actually be lamer.) But apparently compared to Donna, he's golden, because we all know David gets the DJ gig, though it's never stated explicitly in this episode.

What is stated explicitly in this episode, however, is another inappropriate comment from Brandon about his mother's sex life. When the twins pull up to see Glenn leaving their house (he came to break off his "mental affair" with Cindy, which they both claim is more dangerous than a physical affair, but I beg to differ; I'm having a mental affair with Jake Gyllenhaal at the moment, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind at all), Brandon says with disbelief, "Man, Mom having a nooner!" Brenda the virgin has no idea what a nooner is, so Brandon not-quite spells it out for her by saying "It ain't food!" And really, shouldn't she be able to figure it out from the context clues? Anyway, although Brandon levels the super-mean insult "sleazemeister" at Glenn under his breath, he leaves the Walsh house unscathed, and Cindy pulls Bren and Bran into a hug, saying, "I'm so damn glad to see you two." Watch that language, Cindy! Man, one little brush with adultery, and she's a total bad girl.

And it looks like Jim has some surprises left in him, too--he comes home from work early (well, earlier than his usual time of 10:30) and whisks Cindy off for a fabulous mini-break weekend. Brenda proclaims this the most romantic thing she's ever seen. So clearly she hasn't seen the episode where she and Dylan have sex at the spring dance yet.

The verdict
Aside from Brandon, is there really anyone who cares about Jim and Cindy's sex life? I didn't think so. As a general rule (the exception, of course, being The O.C.'s Julie Cooper-Nichol-Roberts-TBD), when a teen drama stops focusing on the teens and starts in with the parents, it's even lamer than David's rapping.

Fashion citation
Kelly, for her gold, sequined fishnet...dress? Tunic? Whatever it was, I'm out of crackling one-liners to describe it. But it was hideous, trust me.

posted by Anonymous 11:00 AM