Saturday, January 20, 2007

 

"A nooner, Brenda! It ain't food!"

Upstairs at Casa Walsh, Cindy is veeeeery slowly removing her wedding bands...to remind us that she's married? Give us a little foreshadowing for the rest of the episode? Anyway, she and Jim are discussing the anniversary dinner they just had at some chi chi Beverly Hills restaurant. Cindy says it's their first anniversary away from home, and Jim points out that this is their home now, like seriously Cindy, isn't it about time to jump on the Beverly Hills bandwagon? Anyway, Jim's catching up on some work, but since it's his anniversary and all, he's willing to put it aside for a quick romp in the sack. However, Cindy kills the mood with the four words all guys love to hear: "Can't we talk first?" Considering that she was asking Jim about the ties she gave him before he tried to put the moves on her, are we supposed to assume that Cindy has some sort of neckwear fetish? Kinky! Fortunately, we're spared a glimpse into this little-known side of the Walsh relationship when Jim decides he'd rather work than indulge his wife in anything silly like foreplay. (Assuming you consider talking about ties foreplay, that is, which apparently Cindy does.)

The next morning, Brenda displays an uncanny ability to pay attention to the lives of people who aren't her when she comments to Brandon on the tension between Jim and Cindy. Brandon blows it off, saying, "They're married! They're supposed to be crabby." Well, that's a ringing endorsement of marriage right there, isn't it?

At West Bev, we learn that the nameless, [mostly] faceless DJ is resigning his post, midway into the semester. Ignoring the fact that this makes absolutely no sense, David, egged on by Scott, dreams about giving it a shot, but quickly abandons his vision when he finds out his idol, Steve Sanders, is trying out. Elsewhere, a teacher we've never met (or maybe she's the newspaper adviser; I don't know) is trying to talk Brenda and Brandon into doing a university study on twins. Brandon's initially skeptical, but once he finds out there's money and time off from school involved, he signs up faster than you can say Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

At a garden center with Ana, Cindy is being stalked by the paparazzi. Oh, wait, it's just an old college friend, Glenn. Cindy gives him a warm welcome, then introduces Ana as her "assistant." Really? Anyway, Glen's a hotshot photographer, he lives in L.A. now, yada, yada, yada. Cindy invites him to dinner...

...Where he is wowing the fam with stories about Tiananmen Square. He modestly (which is to say, not so modestly and actually kind of pompously) tries to bow out of telling any more tales, but Cindy eggs him on, saying, "We never get to hear stories like this...especially not from my boring, stick-in-the-mud accountant husband." OK, so she actually doesn't say that last part, but it's implied. As Glenn begins to talk about his days on the college literary rag with the stick in the mud himself, Jim runs off to do more of his boring accounting work, leaving his wife to stay up until the wee hours, chatting in front of the fire with a more-attractive (not that that's saying much) photographer whom, by the way, she used to date. Great idea, Jim. As he watches suspiciously from the staircase, Cindy and Glenn sit very close to each other on the couch, where he promises to "show [her] [his] L.A." Dirty!

Oh, apparently he meant that literally. And apparently Glenn's L.A. consists of a person jumping on a trampoline, a few run-down stores, and a bunch of ugly murals on the sides of buildings. Cindy seems enamored by it, though. Back at his studio, Glenn goes in for the hard sell. He comments that Jim and Cindy are like night and day. Cindy shrugs this off with a, "You know what they say about opposites." "We attract," Glenn responds with a Meaningful Look. OK, so I'm confused. Didn't he just try to discredit Jim and Cindy's relationship by saying they're not enough alike? And now, in the same breath, he's trying to pick her up using the exact same tack? Is he working some Jedi mind shit here, or what?

Meanwhile, at the twin study, Brenda and Brandon are sitting in a room with a set of goofball identical twins who are dressed exactly alike. Even though they're presumably in high school. And seriously, is this the entire study? Two sets of twins? I'm no scientist, but I'm guessing you're not going to be able to draw any reliable conclusions from a study of four people. Also, it's worth noting that the moderator of the study is none other than Mrs. Teasley, West Beverly High's future guidance counselor. Only she's masquerading under the name "Harriet Strathmore." And she's apparently calling her study "Noah's Ark of Scientific Sin." Yeah, this is totally legit.

Later that night at Casa Walsh, Cindy heads to bed wearing an ugly nightgown, a red headband, and a green face mask. And she wonders why Jim never wants to have sex with her! Oh, but wait, he does...right after she tells him, "You sound just like my father." Unsurprisingly (or maybe surprisingly, given her secret necktie fetish), Cindy does not consider a resemblance to her father to be a turn-on, so she shuts Jim down and goes to sleep. With her face mask on. That doesn't seem like a good idea. I mean, we saw what happened the last time someone in this house tried an all-night beauty treatment.

The next day, David has apparently resurrected his dream of becoming the school DJ, and he tries out this smooth rhyme on Scott in the hall: "Yo, West Beverly, my name is Dave/And I'm gonna give you all the songs that you crave/And all the babes are gonna be my slave/And all from a guy who don't even shave, word." This succeeds in getting things, mostly wadded-up paper, thrown at him from passers-by. Too bad they didn't have any ripe fruit available. Elsewhere in the halls, Brenda invites Kelly to tag along to Glenn's opening, presumably so she can have more people there to spy on her mother with her.

Back at home, Brenda begins her suspicious circling of Cindy, who is trying to decide between two outfits that are pretty much equal in their hideousness. I would advise that she go out and get something from wherever Brenda picked up her cute black dress, but I fear she somehow purchased it from the future, because it's way too tasteful for this early in the '90s. Kelly and Donna help bring us back into the correct time period at the opening, though, Donna wearing what appears to be a sequined bra over a sheer black top, and Kelly looking like she's been caught in a rogue fishing net cast by Liberace. Brandon and the girls briefly discuss the art before Brenda brings things around to the real purpose of the night: spying on Cindy. When Brenda spots her leave with Glenn, she's none too happy about it.

Nor should she be, because they're totally making out outside! All right, so Glenn starts it, but Cindy doesn't do much to resist. Apparently Brenda's spying is confined to the four walls of the art gallery, though, because she's totally missing this, the one tangible piece of evidence in the entire episode to suggest that her mother's considering a dalliance with another man.

Back at home, Cindy's making like Juliet on her balcony, moodily listening to some bland '90s pop that's echoing throughout the house. Which Brenda is using as Exhibit A of her mom's weird behavior as she rehashes the events of the night with the besequined catch of the day, aka Kelly. Gee, too bad Bren was too lazy to walk outside and therefore missed her mom actually kissing another man. Anyway, Kelly gives her the low-down on what it's like to be a divorced kid, after which she warns Brenda that the sex is the first thing to go. Brenda says she doubts her parents even have sex. Cindy overhears this and looks sad, but come on. Don't all parents realize that their kids have to at least maintain that illusion? It's a survival thing.

And yet, Brandon has somehow escaped unscathed from the evil clutches of Darwinism, because he apparently thinks about his parents' sex life all the time. After their bickering comes to a head in front of Mrs. Teas--um, "Professor Strathmore" at the twins study, Brandon informs Brenda as they stomp across campus that of course their parents do the nasty. "What do you think it means when their door is locked?" he asks. Um, in what instance would Brenda and Brandon be trying to gain access to the Walsh parents' bedroom at night? (Because you know Jim's a no-sex-except-at-night kind of guy.) Are they afraid of thunderstorms? Are there monsters under their beds?

Anyway, after a brainstorming session at school with Kelly and Donna (during which the suggestions of trashy lingerie and clubbing are tossed around) Brandon and Brenda come up with the solution to fix their parents' marriage with a romantic dinner, cooked by them. Hey, it worked in The Parent Trap! Only this time, Jim and Cindy get in a big fight before dinner is even served and both storm out, leaving Brenda and Brandon stranded, bowls of food in hand, at their eavesdropping posts just outside the dining-room door.

Jim's gone upstairs to do more work (surprise!), and Cindy's left to go to Glenn's (surprise again!). Only she's not there to have an affair; she's there to tell him, with a great deal of blubbering, that she can't have an affair. Too bad Brenda and Brandon don't realize this when they see her exiting his house, where they have arrived to do a photo shoot with Glenn. Ruh-roh!

The next morning, the twins deal with their newfound (assumed) knowledge in a very mature way, by being overly friendly to Jim and overly mean to Cindy. I mean, I guess it's not their place to bring the supposed affair to light, but couldn't they have pulled their mom aside and told her what they saw and asked her what was going on? God, even Donna handled her mom's affair better than this. That's pretty pathetic.

You know what's not pathetic? Jim, going over to Glenn's studio and telling him in no uncertain terms to stay the eff away from his family. Go, Jim! Who knew he had it in him? Hmm, maybe he's not just a sex-at-night kind of guy...but best not to think too much about that.

Back to an instance in which we can use "pathetic" and "Donna" in the same sentence, she's apparently trying out for the school DJ job and is horrifying everyone with her totally lame rap, like since when is rapping a component of a DJ job? I just assumed David was doing it because it's his schtick, but apparently it's required? I know this was the Vanilla Ice era and all, but that's wack, man. Anyway, Steve is up next, and he totally chokes, so David comes to his rescue, first by making fun of him, and then by busting out a rap that's only slightly less lame than the one that got him pelted with balls of paper the other day. (Although this one does name-check Vanilla Ice, so it might actually be lamer.) But apparently compared to Donna, he's golden, because we all know David gets the DJ gig, though it's never stated explicitly in this episode.

What is stated explicitly in this episode, however, is another inappropriate comment from Brandon about his mother's sex life. When the twins pull up to see Glenn leaving their house (he came to break off his "mental affair" with Cindy, which they both claim is more dangerous than a physical affair, but I beg to differ; I'm having a mental affair with Jake Gyllenhaal at the moment, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind at all), Brandon says with disbelief, "Man, Mom having a nooner!" Brenda the virgin has no idea what a nooner is, so Brandon not-quite spells it out for her by saying "It ain't food!" And really, shouldn't she be able to figure it out from the context clues? Anyway, although Brandon levels the super-mean insult "sleazemeister" at Glenn under his breath, he leaves the Walsh house unscathed, and Cindy pulls Bren and Bran into a hug, saying, "I'm so damn glad to see you two." Watch that language, Cindy! Man, one little brush with adultery, and she's a total bad girl.

And it looks like Jim has some surprises left in him, too--he comes home from work early (well, earlier than his usual time of 10:30) and whisks Cindy off for a fabulous mini-break weekend. Brenda proclaims this the most romantic thing she's ever seen. So clearly she hasn't seen the episode where she and Dylan have sex at the spring dance yet.

The verdict
Aside from Brandon, is there really anyone who cares about Jim and Cindy's sex life? I didn't think so. As a general rule (the exception, of course, being The O.C.'s Julie Cooper-Nichol-Roberts-TBD), when a teen drama stops focusing on the teens and starts in with the parents, it's even lamer than David's rapping.

Fashion citation
Kelly, for her gold, sequined fishnet...dress? Tunic? Whatever it was, I'm out of crackling one-liners to describe it. But it was hideous, trust me.

posted by Anonymous 11:00 AM

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

 

"The guy gives new meaning to the word hemorrhoid"

At the Peach Pit (which still doesn't look as peachy as it does in later episodes), Brandon is busing the counter while sneaking glances at a large textbook. We soon learn that the textbook is for his history class, taught by none other than the crotchety Mr. Denzel, a Peach Pit regular. When Brandon reveals this not-so-amazing coincidence to Nat, Nat advises Brandon not to let Denzel get to him. Brandon says Denzel doesn't bother him. Nat smirks like he's seen the rest of this episode.

West Bev High. Brandon's in Denzel's class, holding a quiz with a big fat C on it. Denzel lays down the law: He grades on a curve wherein 10 percent of the students get As, 10 percent get Fs, and the rest get Cs. Seems pretty harsh, but I had a high-school English teacher who graded on how much you kissed her ass. Seriously. Life's not fair; might as well learn that in high school. Right, Brandon? Um, no. Brandon raises his hand and meekly says that some people who got Cs only missed three or four questions. "Some people," Brandon? You mean like you? Denzel says something about "the morass of mediocrity." I like him already!

Out in the hall, Steve and Brandon are complaining about Denzel and his morass. Steve claims he "gives new meaning to the word hemorrhoid." I don't know what that means, and I'm fairly sure I don't want to. Oh, but what's this? Steve got an A on his quiz! Donna expositions that Steve is some sort of idiot savant when it comes to history, but I ain't buyin' it. Ahhndrea comes out of class then, and she and Brandon exchange their usual barbs, this time about whether he can cover the swim team meet against Beverly. Oh, woe are we, the pressures of West Beverly High, blah, blah, blah, etc. Kelly and Brenda walk down the stairs and immediately hone in on Dylan. Did someone order a love triangle? Kelly turns on the charm, getting Dylan to admit that he prefers blondes, and yet he can't take his eyes off of Brenda. Somehow, the latter fact makes her exploits in the rest of the episode that much more stupid.

Back at home, Brenda's staring at herself in the mirror, imagining that she has some insanely ugly crimped, frizzy blonde hair that's driving Dylan and his Carhart jacket wild with lust. Cindy walks up and tries to tell Brenda how beautiful she is. Why Cindy ever thinks she can say anything to Brenda that won't result in an immediate argument that ends with Brenda stomping off in a huff is beyond me. Up in Brandon's room, Brandon and Ahhndrea are studying. Or rather, Ahhndrea is regarding his Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar with disgust while Brandon uses the bathroom. That's probably a better use of their time, because once they actually start studying, it devolves into a big argument. Why Brandon and Ahhndrea ever think they can have a conversation lasting more than five minutes that doesn't turn into an argument that ends with both of them stomping off in a huff is also beyond me.

So Brandon gets a new, more laid-back study buddy: Steve. The guys are chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool in Steve's backyard pool when Steve drops this study-question science on Brandon: Name the five tribes that made up the Confederacy, whose primary aim was universal, perpetual peace. Like, are we really supposed to believe that Steve just pulled that one out of his ass? Well, apparently Brandon does, and therefore he is shocked--SHOCKED!--to find that same question, verbatim, on the next day's quiz. In other news, Mr. Denzel doesn't know how to use commas correctly. Not so smart now, are we, tough guy?

After the quiz, Brandon confronts Steve in the hall and accuses him of cheating. He denies it vehemently, but back at the Sanders pad, he totally cops to it. And seriously, Brandon, if you want to get someone to admit to something, try not accusing them at the scene of the crime. Anyway, Steve assumes his usual role as the devil on Brandon's shoulder and convinces him it's "just a quiz."

In the West Bev High bathroom the next day, Brenda is sporting hideous crimped hair, I guess in an attempt to recreate the fugly wig of her fantasies. Kelly speaks for all of us when she tells Brenda that "that isn't a hairdo; it's a hair don't." Kelly and Donna talk up some stylists, but then reveal that a visit, even with a guy who "will take anyone" will cost Brenda a cool $300. I'm so sure Cindy's going to go for that. Suddenly, Donna looks in the mirror and realizes she's wearing both contacts in one eye. It took her that long to figure it out?

Later at the Peach Pit, Brandon's trying to avoid Denzel. But there's no need--now that Brandon's doing well in his class, Denzel is super-chatty. And the next day in class, he leads the room in a round of applause for Brandon, who didn't miss a single question on his quiz. Dude, what an amateur cheater. You've got to miss at least one, or else it looks suspicious. I like to think that Denzel is hip to Brandon's game and is doing this to give him a guilt complex. If he is, it totally works, and it's compounded by the fact that Brandon's cheating landed Ahhndrea a C. Before she can start bawling about it, though, Kelly and Dylan come giggling down the stairs as Brenda looks on jealously.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brenda's giving Cindy a guilt complex of her own about the hair thing. Cindy balks at the price, then claims that women are spending hundreds of dollars to get their hair to look like Brenda's does naturally. And seriously, Shannen Doherty may not have the most attractive face (especially in this season, when she hasn't grown out of her baby fat and it sort of resembles a pancake), but her hair color? Is gorgeous. Anyway, Brandon comes in, and everyone finds out about his A on the history quiz. Because he tells them. I guess that's kind of akin a serial killer having a "signature" or something, right? Otherwise it just seems like a stupid way to heap more guilt upon yourself. Brenda follows Brandon upstairs, ostensibly to chat about Denzel (which she pronounces DAN-zel), but really to ask leading questions about Dylan and complain some more about her hair. Like that's not getting old already.

At the Peach Pit picking up his paycheck, Brandon runs into Denzel again. Apparently his guilt has gotten the best of him, because he decides that this would be the perfect time to lay into his teacher about how unfair the curve is and how history should be more than the rote memorization of facts. Which I agree with to some point, but come on, this is high school. How much can you really expect? This is basically what Denzel argues in return.

The next day during the quiz, Brandon stares at Denzel (whose nameplate reveals that his name really is Danzel, like why is Brenda the only one who can pronounce it correctly? Whatever, I'm sticking with Denzel) for a while before oh-so-stealthily pulling some crib notes out of his backpack. How Denzel fails to notice this is beyond me, but Ahhndrea does see it, and she's none too happy about it. On the walk to the newspaper room, they argue about Brandon's cheating, which he doesn't bother to deny, although they're yelling very loudly in a crowded hallway. Dude. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but you could learn something from Steve, Brandon.

Back at Casa Walsh, Kelly and Brenda dye Brenda's hair with something that looks like liquid rust. Kelly claims the dye has to stay on all night. Oh, this isn't going to be good.

And it's not! The dye has not only colored Brenda's hair an unfortunate shade of orange, with some skunk-like blond streaks up front, but it's also turned it into a huge ball of frizz. Brandon tries to get the family to lie to Brenda about the severity of her mistake, but unlike her brother, Brenda is not stupid, and she ain't buyin' it. Thank God Blossom hats are still in fashion, and Brenda can cover up most of the mess with a floppy burnt-sienna one that's approximately the same color as her hair.

In the West Bev courtyard, after exchanging some words with Dylan about how much Dylan learned in Denzel's class (though he doesn't elaborate on what he learned and how), Brandon runs into Steve, who offers him a copy of the midterm. Brandon turns it down, and Steve walks away, shoving the test loosely in his back pocket, where I'm sure it won't fall out or get nabbed by someone or anything. Brandon's sudden change of conscience isn't getting him anywhere with Ahhndrea, though, who is still ignoring/yelling at him.

Things only get worse for our hero in Denzel's class, where the man himself is picking on Brandon. Brandon looks uncomfortable, but what exactly did he expect when he decided to yell at his teacher at his place of employment? Ahhndrea comes to Brandon's rescue, but she does it in this goody-two-shoes, holier-than-thou way that's beyond annoying. And she wonders why she doesn't have any friends. Nobody likes the teacher's pet!

Back at the Walsh abode, Cindy tries to start in with the I-told-you-so's, but Brenda's having none of it. "Mom, you don't understand me," "It's different in California," "I don't fit in": you know the drill.

Later that night, Steve shows up at the Peach Pit and again offers Brandon the test. This time, angry that Denzel tried to do exactly what Brandon told him he wanted him to do (i.e., make him think), Brandon takes the test. But after hours, he comes across Denzel, who's sitting in the parking lot, waiting for the Auto Club to come change his flat tire. Brandon offers to do it for him, and as he does, Denzel tells us all a sob story about how his dead wife picked out a bunch of suits for him because she knows how much he hates shopping. It's all very sweet and sad. Brandon looks appropriately chagrined, then guilty as hell as he drops his copy of the midterm and Denzel hands it back to him. Knock knock! Who's there? It's Brandon's conscience!

At the library, Brandon finds Ahhndrea, and the two have yet another fight about his cheating. Brandon says that Ahhndrea takes such a personal interest in everything he does that sometimes it's like they're a couple. Ahhndrea could not be quicker in rushing to deny this. Hmm, methinks the lady doth protest too much. Anyway, although they are practically screaming at each other in the library, no one appears to shush them. What kind of library is this, anyway?

Brenda's leaving the house to go for a jog, and Cindy somehow convinces her she doesn't need a hat. Not even to hold her hair back? Anyway, while she's jogging, Dylan rides up on his bike and notes that her hair is "different." If by "different," he means "different than anything ever seen before on a human head," he is absolutely correct. When Brenda reveals that she hates the color, Dylan says he knows a guy. Then, for no discernible reason, Brenda Freudian slips, "I like your butt." She clarifies that she meant his bike. "Hop on," Dylan responds. Dirty! Oh, wait, he meant the bike, too.

Back at Casa Walsh, Brandon confronts Jim and Cindy about their academic expectations for him. Jim says that all he wants is for Brandon to smile again. And for him to get an A. Well, he doesn't say that last part, but come on. Does Brandon really think his parents expect any less of him? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him here? What parent wants their kid to aspire to, as Denzel put it, "the morass of mediocrity"? Upstairs, Brenda's hair has returned to its normal color, thank God. She glows to Brandon that "Dylan says it looks incandescent." Um, so he thinks it resembles a lightbulb? Nice compliment, McKay.

In the halls of West Bev the next day, Brandon and Ahhndrea finally make up, moments before the midterm. Speaking of the midterm, Denzel passes out the test, then instructs the class to rip it up. So one conversation with Brandon, and the guy's suddenly Rod Belding? Oh, apparently not. He's giving them a pretty challenging essay question on what the government should have done to save American Indians. Yay, essay test! I love essay tests. They're so easy to bullshit.

Brandon's the last one to finish his test, and he complements Mr. Denzel on his new teaching strategy. Given to him by Brandon. Someone's a little full of himself, huh? Denzel gets a few jabs in at Brandon's expense, letting him and the rest of us know that he knows that Brandon is (or was) a big, fat cheater. Brandon responds by complimenting Denzel on his suit. Denzel says it's hideous. "Yeah," Brandon agrees, "but you wear it well." Get a room, you two!

The verdict:
Now we all know why Brandon's generally such a sanctimonious prick: He's completely inept at being a bad boy. What we don't know is why Cindy continues to try to talk sense into her utterly senseless daughter. Come on, Cindy! Why not just let Brenda make her frizzy, burnt-sienna bed and lie in it for once?

Fashion citation:
Donna, for showing up to her history midterm in an oh-so-appropriate ruffled denim midriff top.

posted by Anonymous 12:32 PM